So, it hasn’t been long since I became single and I am still healing every day. I was in a long-term relationship that lasted for 2 years and 8 months. We almost made it to three. For a long time, I thought I was going to marry him. I even moved to a different city that I didn’t even know if I wanted to be in for him and started my life from scratch over there. However, I made a decision to put myself first, move to a new city that I actually wanted to be in and to get rid of all the toxicity that both of us had a hand in making. It was not an easy decision and I do doubt it sometimes. Nonetheless, the sun still shines bright for me. I feel a lot lighter. I am learning a lot about myself and what I want. I am enjoying being single, surprisingly. I have been keeping myself busy.
Until today, I can still feel the love I have for him but I don’t miss him all that much. It’s hard not to cry sometimes, but it’s getting easier. Yesterday, I looked at a photo of us and I just smiled. They were really happy memories that I don’t regret making and I was not upset over the fact that they are just memories now. I also think he is an amazing person with a heart of gold and deserves all the success that I know he is going to have. He is hardworking and incredibly smart which is why I fell in love with him in the first place. I don’t think any less of him and I hope someone special will get to experience being his partner in crime because he can teach you so much about the world – camping, rock climbing; he knows a trick or two. He just wasn’t the one for me and I am starting to be okay with it.
Really, I am truly warming up with being single and just caring for one person – me. I think I lost a bit of myself in the relationship and I’m finding my feet again. It’s been going pretty well. I’ve even been dating around and I must say love is rare so I would like to thank him for loving me for the past 2 years and 8 months unconditionally. There were so many times when either of us could have just walked out in that period of time but we still chose one another until we couldn’t and didn’t. Our highs were very high but our lows were very low and we had many faults and flaws but the love was very unconditional and forgiving which is a kind of love I hope to find again. It has certainly set a certain standard for what I want to find now. I think in time, we will both be glad that it happened.
And when I say love is rare, I really mean it. I have been distancing myself lately not just because of the corona virus but also to just get a peace of mind to continue healing and to reflect on everything that has happened and is happening in my life. That feeling of being loved is just so immense and I don’t know if I will ever find it again or at least anytime soon. I am grateful that I have felt it and can now understand the joy of and know that I am capable of giving that kind of love to someone as well. I feel very lucky. For now though, I am fulfilled with reading all the books I have been meaning to, cooking, catching up with my friends (occasionally annoying them, of course), gathering new life projects, rock climbing, playing the ukulele again, dancing, listening and curating my Spotify playlists and finally building a life in a city that I have always wanted to live in for a bit – Vancouver. I am pretty content with where I am now – I have a job, I am moving into my own space soon and I tell all my friends how in love I am with them. What more can a girl want?
Attention, of course. Like I mentioned above, I have been dating around simply to check out what Vancouver has to offer. I have been on Hinge for a bit now. I personally think it is the only app worth having (that’s my two cents) but you will still find weirdos on it. At least they’re sort of educated though? I have started to value myself a lot more and I am not going on a date with a guy who I know from the get go does not deserve me at all so if you have been on a date with me, you’ve at least gotten that far. Congratulations!
Anyway, I have been on dates with guys who I cannot connect with at all. When I first started dating, I didn’t even know how to go on dates anymore. I was so comfortable with being in a relationship. I even treated one of the guys that I liked as if he were my boyfriend and I had to learn how to shield some of the privileges that I feel only a boyfriend should have from him because he was clearly not on that level yet. He honestly didn’t deserve me like that until we defined the kind of relationship we had and of course we decided not to date anymore so.. haha (he did make me feel like a woman nonetheless and our dates were incredible so thank you! I appreciate men that treat you right and respect you even if all that effort does not end up in a relationship – true gems who know how to communicate still exist!).
All and all, it has been confusing. I can safely say that life has become less confusing but dating is just weird to me now and I might take a break from it altogether. I also might not, I am an attention whore and I admit it. What I can say though is, there are so many fucbois but it’s been pretty easy to spot them. Some guys are just not emotionally ready for a relationship and sex aside, some guys are not mentally ready for a relationship. I’ve been on dates with guys who were just in the hospital a week before asking me out because they were trying to commit suicide. I know I’m not a 100% and that is why I am taking things slow and guys should also keep in mind where they’re at mentally and emotionally and know what they want from dating. Then there are the guys who you can talk to for hours and have great conversations but you’re not sexually attracted and vice versa when you meet in person. I might have come away with a few good friends from this experience too and they laugh at all my dating stories now, aha!
And last but not least there are the guys who will ask you out repeatedly and you connect super well – you get to know the the kind of music he likes (I don’t know, music is just a really intimate thing for me, I don’t share how much I love John Mayer on the regular), where he wants to travel to, some things about his family or how he grew up – but nothing materialises and you just don’t know where things are going. Then you just stop texting even though you might really like that person. This has only really happened twice now. I just wish these guys would grow a pear and tell me what they want sometimes. It would make things easier. If I’m being benched, just let me know. I will probably walk away but if I like you enough, I’m pretty loyal and the feeling might stick.
I know it’s 2020, and I should probably say something if they are not but maybe I am not chasing something or anything at all. I might just want to keep things casual at least for the next 2-6 months even though the concept of being casual is so foreign to me. Conversations are good to have though people. Have them, please, do not follow my lead. The dating game in this age is so hard to navigate around but I am glad I have standards. I have learned that if a guy likes you enough, he will text you to make plans. He will want to do things, you don’t even have to prompt him and if you do, he might just not be that into you and that’s okay too. As for chasing someone down, I don’t think I have that kind of energy yet. I would if I did, I’ve asked most of my boyfriends out to be honest. I just don’t know if I have enough heart to give just yet and I want to give all of it when the time comes, trust me.
Anyway, this is just me being extremely raw and having a cathartic release from all the craziness in the world while listening to Show Me Naomi by Bahamas. I am really digging that song right now.